I feel a lot better lately, the anti depressants are really working and they don't give me all the shitty side effects citalopram did. Everything looks brighter and I hope this means I'm getting better. I got World of Warcraft back and that kinda helps, gives me something to do and some limits to achieve. I'm lame ha. I don't feel so weird about Adrian either, I just think about how much of a prick he was towards the end and that makes me feel okay about him shagging some dirty slut from college (if he does). He was so horrible about me trying to kill myself, I accepted that for a couple of months but when I needed him he wasn't there. He was never there in the end, and I had no one but my mum and she was busy. No wonder I felt more suicidal.
Christmas is almost here and at first I was desperate to feel the 'christmas spirit', I baked gingerbread, watched christmas films, sung christmas songs, decorated the chistmas tree, put up decorations etc but I'm still not feeling it :( I kinda gave up, I'll try watching a christmas film today (It's currently 10 past 11 pm and this is my morning, fucked up insomnia). I cant wait for my christmas presents and stocking though (the stocking is the best bit!).
Friday, 17 December 2010
Saturday, 27 November 2010
27/11/10
Me and Adrian broke up, another 2 girls like him and are apparently desperate to have him. I know I come first with him but I don't have the energy to keep pushing girls off him like that. And everytime I do get rid of a girl that likes him (usually by threatening them) everyone thinks I'm a psycho jealous bitch. It's Adrians fault, he's way too friendly with them. Why should I have to be the bitch all the time when I can be in a relationship were I don't have to be a bitch and I can actually trust my boyfriend not to flirt with other girls or lead other girls on. That's what he does, he leads girls on. If I wasn't so angry at some of these girls I'd feel sorry for them, he's doing to them what other boys have once done to me (and probably will continue doing till I fine 'the one'). I feel sorry for these girls, they're so desperate that they try to take someone who is already in a relationship. Makes me so angry. You can't be with someone any more without someone trying to take them from you. From now on I have no intention of being in a serious relationship until I'm through College and Nurse school and have become a nurse. I will find an average looking doctor who no one is remotely interested in, but is still nice and romantic, and then we will get married, have kids and live happily ever after. And he wouldn't cheat on me because he wouldn't be like that and I'd get some sort of bug attached to him so I know what he's doing at ALL times. I hate men.
It also annoys me that now me and Adrian have broken up all my friends are on BOTH of our sides, saying to both of us that they're both going to be there for us. It's like he's stolen all my friends now as well. Sometimes I wish I never went out with him. It is serious this time, I don't want to get hurt anymore, I should have listened to Conor when he first found out about us. Conor told me that Adrian would just end up hurting me, and he did. If I hadn't of gone out with Adrian then me and Tanya wouldn't have drifted apart, she wouldn't be with that dick Sam, she wouldn't be drinking so much and wait for it... she wouldn't be doing pills! PILLS. Of all things me and Tanya always swore we'd never touch pills and what does she do? She goes ahead and does them. I just want to tie her up, throw her in a car, drive to somewhere no one will find us, ween her off alcohol and drugs, convince her to break up with sam, and get her to eat properly. Then I'd take her home and we'd both be hypnotized into forgetting all the horrible stuff we said about each other. Problem solved! If only, ha. I wish that could happen. I'll sort my life out by this September, my weight, my depression, my friendship with Tanya, my social life and my money problems!
It also annoys me that now me and Adrian have broken up all my friends are on BOTH of our sides, saying to both of us that they're both going to be there for us. It's like he's stolen all my friends now as well. Sometimes I wish I never went out with him. It is serious this time, I don't want to get hurt anymore, I should have listened to Conor when he first found out about us. Conor told me that Adrian would just end up hurting me, and he did. If I hadn't of gone out with Adrian then me and Tanya wouldn't have drifted apart, she wouldn't be with that dick Sam, she wouldn't be drinking so much and wait for it... she wouldn't be doing pills! PILLS. Of all things me and Tanya always swore we'd never touch pills and what does she do? She goes ahead and does them. I just want to tie her up, throw her in a car, drive to somewhere no one will find us, ween her off alcohol and drugs, convince her to break up with sam, and get her to eat properly. Then I'd take her home and we'd both be hypnotized into forgetting all the horrible stuff we said about each other. Problem solved! If only, ha. I wish that could happen. I'll sort my life out by this September, my weight, my depression, my friendship with Tanya, my social life and my money problems!
Thursday, 11 November 2010
11/11/10
Me and Adrian had a massive argument today, he was angry I didn't get any sleep last night and that I was still sleeping when he got back, and I was angry because he blames me for not being able to sleep at night.
On the plus side my doctor changed my antidepressants to Prozac! The wonder drug! Apparently it makes you feel so good that people get addicted to it and never want to get off it. I can't wait! I have to take 10mg less of my current antidepressant for 5 days, then I have to have 5 days without antidepressants (eek!) and then I can start on the wonder drug that will take at least 2 weeks to work.. so basically I'm going to be suicidal and very very depressed for at least 24 days (thats what the tablets and the doctor said anyway..). Not looking forward to that part but the doctor did give me 5 strong sleeping tablets which should actually send me to sleep this time, the last ones made me hallucinate and didn't even work.
I set up this dating site for my mum and she had a huge amount of hits and emails, but this one man in particular I really like and want to be my dad! He's called Simon, he works for the council taxes or something, he's nice looking for a man his age (43) he has no hair but I think he shaves it off, he's funny and he likes coronation street like my mum! My mum keeps making me pose as her to talk to him because she's too busy or too lazy, it seems creepy but what he doesn't know can't hurt him! I hope they do end up together, I like him! He can be super dad! I can go out shopping with him (he said in one of the emails he doesn't mind going shopping with women!), he can buy me clothes! (hopefully..) and we can have giant pretzels and green slushies together! And he won't leave because he's good for my mum and my mum and him will love eachother and get married, that will leave other dad pushed out the picture and Gracie can think he's her real dad! Perfect! That way mum will divorce dad and we'll never have to see him ever again! And if he does show up Simon can beat him up! I hope it does happen!
I keep thinking a lot about Eversley Road lately, I loved that house, it was my dream house! I have this dream of buying it back when I'm older and decorating it the way I want it. The living room would be aubergine coloured and the couches would be grey or black or brown. The basement would have those special racks for wines that could grow to be years old and sell for profit, the garden would have plenty of pretty flowers planted with maybe a fish pond! The room that used to be mine would eventually be my teenage childs room, and they can have the same amazing memories I had in it. It's like a spell has been cast on me and all I can think about is that house, I also have this weird thought of the name 'Jack' I think it's because I have a nightmare before christmas poster on my rooms door but I think it means something more then that.
That's the trouble with Adrian, we have nothing in common when it comes to dreaming and weird ways of thinking. Adrian just thinks everything is the way it seems, whereas I have a deeper meaning of everything. I want to find someone passionate and weird, and I know theres no way of Adrian ever being like that.
All this could be the depression talking again, mum said it was. It feels like I've woken up though and realise what I want in life. I want to be a nurse for children and help teenagers with depression, I want to live in Eversley Road and redecorate it the way my dream home would look, I want to find a passionate, weird, hopefully rich (!) and funny guy that would share my interests and dreams, and I want to have lots of children (well maximum 5) that I could spend my years baking for and training them to be good people. It seems so sensitive and small for me, but it really does sound like paradise for me.
At least I know what I want out of life now.
On the plus side my doctor changed my antidepressants to Prozac! The wonder drug! Apparently it makes you feel so good that people get addicted to it and never want to get off it. I can't wait! I have to take 10mg less of my current antidepressant for 5 days, then I have to have 5 days without antidepressants (eek!) and then I can start on the wonder drug that will take at least 2 weeks to work.. so basically I'm going to be suicidal and very very depressed for at least 24 days (thats what the tablets and the doctor said anyway..). Not looking forward to that part but the doctor did give me 5 strong sleeping tablets which should actually send me to sleep this time, the last ones made me hallucinate and didn't even work.
I set up this dating site for my mum and she had a huge amount of hits and emails, but this one man in particular I really like and want to be my dad! He's called Simon, he works for the council taxes or something, he's nice looking for a man his age (43) he has no hair but I think he shaves it off, he's funny and he likes coronation street like my mum! My mum keeps making me pose as her to talk to him because she's too busy or too lazy, it seems creepy but what he doesn't know can't hurt him! I hope they do end up together, I like him! He can be super dad! I can go out shopping with him (he said in one of the emails he doesn't mind going shopping with women!), he can buy me clothes! (hopefully..) and we can have giant pretzels and green slushies together! And he won't leave because he's good for my mum and my mum and him will love eachother and get married, that will leave other dad pushed out the picture and Gracie can think he's her real dad! Perfect! That way mum will divorce dad and we'll never have to see him ever again! And if he does show up Simon can beat him up! I hope it does happen!
I keep thinking a lot about Eversley Road lately, I loved that house, it was my dream house! I have this dream of buying it back when I'm older and decorating it the way I want it. The living room would be aubergine coloured and the couches would be grey or black or brown. The basement would have those special racks for wines that could grow to be years old and sell for profit, the garden would have plenty of pretty flowers planted with maybe a fish pond! The room that used to be mine would eventually be my teenage childs room, and they can have the same amazing memories I had in it. It's like a spell has been cast on me and all I can think about is that house, I also have this weird thought of the name 'Jack' I think it's because I have a nightmare before christmas poster on my rooms door but I think it means something more then that.
That's the trouble with Adrian, we have nothing in common when it comes to dreaming and weird ways of thinking. Adrian just thinks everything is the way it seems, whereas I have a deeper meaning of everything. I want to find someone passionate and weird, and I know theres no way of Adrian ever being like that.
All this could be the depression talking again, mum said it was. It feels like I've woken up though and realise what I want in life. I want to be a nurse for children and help teenagers with depression, I want to live in Eversley Road and redecorate it the way my dream home would look, I want to find a passionate, weird, hopefully rich (!) and funny guy that would share my interests and dreams, and I want to have lots of children (well maximum 5) that I could spend my years baking for and training them to be good people. It seems so sensitive and small for me, but it really does sound like paradise for me.
At least I know what I want out of life now.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
10/11/10
Everything seems so bland lately, food, music, TV, relationships, life. This is what happens when I read books, nothing compares in real life to what goes on in books. Even the food and the weather sounds so much better in books. I am so bored of everything. And I hate that I let people walk all over me now, I've had enough and I deserve some happiness.
It's too cold lately, it was fun at first and cosy but now I know I'm probably not going to get that special blanket I wanted for Christmas so the thoughts of the cold weather don't make me excited anymore. I'm sick of not having enough money, why did it have to come to this? As soon as that bastard left we were left with nothing. He only pays for the bills and the rent, and for some reason his job is not paying enough. Probably because he's spending all his money on that stupid bitch. I don't even feel as angry about it anymore but when I write it all out the anger just builds up and explodes. It's like when I go to the doctors every month and if it's a new doctor they make me talk about why I'm depressed. I didn't think it would bother me to talk about it again until I'm halfway through my story and crying my eyes out. I wish he would just die and leave us all alone.
On the positive note (cognitive behavioural therapy- always replace negative thoughts with positive ones!) I rented a load of books from the library to give me something to do and stop all the crappy thoughts. So far I'm reading a book called 'Wicked Games', it's like a modern day Romeo and Juliet. Every time I read a sex scene in the book I feel dirty and ashamed (especially if I get turned on), it's been like this for a while now. If there's anything to do with sex on TV or in a book I feel disgusting for watching or reading it. I blame my stupid bastard of a dad and his slut for that, her going into detail about their sex life, it's made me ashamed to even think about sex. I still have sex (when Adrian actually can be bothered to have it), but I always feel dirty afterwards and sometimes homesick? The paranoia has died down a bit, mostly because of the way Adrian reacted to it, sometimes I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship but don't have the scars to prove it. I let Adrian go to parties without me, hang out with his friends and their slutty female friends, and I don't go all psycho anymore if a random girl talks to him or adds him on facebook. I usually delete the slutty ones anyway. It's all so dull.
I want someone passionate and romantic, someone who shares my interests and doesn't mind when I talk shit (maybe they'd think I wasn't talking shit, and join in the conversation). But with Adrian it's all sports and him moaning about how tired he is, this is the way things go: He comes home from college and I wake up, He calls me to let me know he's on his way all hyperactive and giddy, He comes home, He sits down and then for the rest of the time we're together he ignores me and sometimes falls asleep. No kiss, no hug, no I missed you. The only time he kisses me is when he goes home, but that's only a quick peck on the lips and then he's off. I'm sick of trying to change him it's hard and he never takes it seriously, I've changed for him! Why can't he do the same?
It's too cold lately, it was fun at first and cosy but now I know I'm probably not going to get that special blanket I wanted for Christmas so the thoughts of the cold weather don't make me excited anymore. I'm sick of not having enough money, why did it have to come to this? As soon as that bastard left we were left with nothing. He only pays for the bills and the rent, and for some reason his job is not paying enough. Probably because he's spending all his money on that stupid bitch. I don't even feel as angry about it anymore but when I write it all out the anger just builds up and explodes. It's like when I go to the doctors every month and if it's a new doctor they make me talk about why I'm depressed. I didn't think it would bother me to talk about it again until I'm halfway through my story and crying my eyes out. I wish he would just die and leave us all alone.
On the positive note (cognitive behavioural therapy- always replace negative thoughts with positive ones!) I rented a load of books from the library to give me something to do and stop all the crappy thoughts. So far I'm reading a book called 'Wicked Games', it's like a modern day Romeo and Juliet. Every time I read a sex scene in the book I feel dirty and ashamed (especially if I get turned on), it's been like this for a while now. If there's anything to do with sex on TV or in a book I feel disgusting for watching or reading it. I blame my stupid bastard of a dad and his slut for that, her going into detail about their sex life, it's made me ashamed to even think about sex. I still have sex (when Adrian actually can be bothered to have it), but I always feel dirty afterwards and sometimes homesick? The paranoia has died down a bit, mostly because of the way Adrian reacted to it, sometimes I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship but don't have the scars to prove it. I let Adrian go to parties without me, hang out with his friends and their slutty female friends, and I don't go all psycho anymore if a random girl talks to him or adds him on facebook. I usually delete the slutty ones anyway. It's all so dull.
I want someone passionate and romantic, someone who shares my interests and doesn't mind when I talk shit (maybe they'd think I wasn't talking shit, and join in the conversation). But with Adrian it's all sports and him moaning about how tired he is, this is the way things go: He comes home from college and I wake up, He calls me to let me know he's on his way all hyperactive and giddy, He comes home, He sits down and then for the rest of the time we're together he ignores me and sometimes falls asleep. No kiss, no hug, no I missed you. The only time he kisses me is when he goes home, but that's only a quick peck on the lips and then he's off. I'm sick of trying to change him it's hard and he never takes it seriously, I've changed for him! Why can't he do the same?
Saturday, 6 November 2010
6/11/10
Woke up at 5:30pm today.. whoops. Couldn't sleep.. again. My Mum was being really mean today, she was really annoyed at me for sleeping in that late, I reminded her AGAIN that I don't sleep at night and it's not my fault but she just ignored me. She was in a bad mood all day, she was annoyed I didn't want to spend my money on buying takeout of her choice (curry, I HATE curry and she knows that) and then she was annoyed at me for not wanting to buy a bottle of wine with her and split the price (I need to stop drinking because I'm sad, the rest of my family turned out alcoholics like that and I'm going to be different!) and then she offered my food to fat Jacob without asking me.. and when I said no she got annoyed at me. I don't want to give any of MY food to Jacob because he's hideously over weight and he already eats ALL the good food in the house so that there's none left for anyone else. He's also a complete asshole and is cocky, thinks he knows everything about anything and each time an advert comes on TV he acts all superior and has a 5 minute rant about why it's stupid and doesn't make sense. He does that with EVERY advert on TV. He also makes fun of me for being depressed, and he makes fun of me for trying to kill myself. Mum did tell him off for making fun of the suicide incident but I should have punched him. On Halloween he made fun of people that cut themselves so I slapped him REALLY hard. I don't cut myself but there are times when I do want to, I feel so pathetic for writing that. I told him to fuck off and go back to Germany, I wish he would!
Jacob treats me and Gracie and my mum like shit! There are times when he's horrible to Adrian too, moaning that Adrian has more food then him, stealing Adrian's things, slagging Adrian off and calling him gay (If anyone is gay in this house it's Jacob! At least Adrian actually gets laid, Jacobs never even kissed a girl before). Makes me so angry, and mum always slags Jacob off and bitches about him behind his back to me about how she wants him back in Germany, but then she has a go at me for saying it! Hypocrite!
I bought £17 worth of takeout today :D Yummy! So that was okay, other then that I'm bored and all I can think about doing is eating. I don't want to gain anymore weight! I'm going to get so fat :(
Jacob treats me and Gracie and my mum like shit! There are times when he's horrible to Adrian too, moaning that Adrian has more food then him, stealing Adrian's things, slagging Adrian off and calling him gay (If anyone is gay in this house it's Jacob! At least Adrian actually gets laid, Jacobs never even kissed a girl before). Makes me so angry, and mum always slags Jacob off and bitches about him behind his back to me about how she wants him back in Germany, but then she has a go at me for saying it! Hypocrite!
I bought £17 worth of takeout today :D Yummy! So that was okay, other then that I'm bored and all I can think about doing is eating. I don't want to gain anymore weight! I'm going to get so fat :(
Friday, 5 November 2010
5/11/10
Had a surprisingly okay day today, mum made my favourite food (apart from onion rings): Corned beef hash. Every bonfire night she makes it and it makes me want to have bonfire night every week! Mum guilt tripped me into going to a fireworks show at Gracies school with her, she made me feel really sad for her, she kept saying how lonely she was and how there was no one to go to the fireworks show with her. I just imagined her struggling along with Gracie and being sad. I really wasn't in the mood to walk all the way to Gracies school and back, in the end I decided to go. I had a really good time actually, Gracie clung on to me ALL night. She never let go of my hand and she kept telling me she loved me, that also made me feel bad for mum. She ALWAYS has to play bad cop with Gracie, and I'm always the fun one. The fireworks were amazing, they were definitely the best fireworks I have ever seen.
I didn't go out with Conor and everyone today, my sleeping problems have gotten worse, I can't sleep at ALL! It's at least 7am in the morning now untill I can fall asleep, it makes me so exhausted during the day and I really wasn't up for going out with everyone. I wish I did but maybe another day. I think I might go into college on Tuesday, I don't want everyone thinking I'm weird for going into College for no reason though. Ah well, I'll do what I want.
I am so bored, at least the sadness isn't too bad today, I actually feel okay right now, I know that later I'll start feeling depressed again though. I'll enjoy the time I have now though, that's all I can really do. It would be amazing if I could just sleep through the depressed hours. It's like I'm 2 different people in 1 day! Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar, but then again I really shouldn't self diagnose. I had a guy from the depression forum send me a long mail yesterday, he told me he was praying for me and he sent me tons of bible quotes, he said God was watching me. I should be touched by that right? Wrong! I was enraged! I there was a God he wouldn't have done this to me! Fuck him! You can't think talking about the power of God on a depression forum where people hate their lives is okay... idiots.
I didn't go out with Conor and everyone today, my sleeping problems have gotten worse, I can't sleep at ALL! It's at least 7am in the morning now untill I can fall asleep, it makes me so exhausted during the day and I really wasn't up for going out with everyone. I wish I did but maybe another day. I think I might go into college on Tuesday, I don't want everyone thinking I'm weird for going into College for no reason though. Ah well, I'll do what I want.
I am so bored, at least the sadness isn't too bad today, I actually feel okay right now, I know that later I'll start feeling depressed again though. I'll enjoy the time I have now though, that's all I can really do. It would be amazing if I could just sleep through the depressed hours. It's like I'm 2 different people in 1 day! Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar, but then again I really shouldn't self diagnose. I had a guy from the depression forum send me a long mail yesterday, he told me he was praying for me and he sent me tons of bible quotes, he said God was watching me. I should be touched by that right? Wrong! I was enraged! I there was a God he wouldn't have done this to me! Fuck him! You can't think talking about the power of God on a depression forum where people hate their lives is okay... idiots.
Thursday, 4 November 2010
4/11/10
Last night I took a walk into town at around 4/5 am in the morning. I thought if I could push through my stupid depressed thoughts I could have the courage to go out with my friends without being nervous, and it did help. Walking to town I was so scared, I kept hearing freaky noises and it was extremely windy that night which didn't help, then I suddenly started thinking about zombie movies, which scared me even more. I kept talking to myself, out loud, the whole time about how I could do it and why I was doing it and what I could accomplish if I did do it. In the end as I walked back from town to home, I felt so empowered and actually quite smug that I did it. I pushed out the negative thoughts and punished myself into doing something that could actually stop my depression ruling my life. I feel so proud of myself and I felt confident that I could now hang out with my friends without feeling like that.
I couldn't sleep last night (I know I can't sleep every night, but last night was the worst), I lay in bed not being able to sleep until about 9 o clock. When I did finally drift off for an hour or so my boyfriend Adrian came round and woke me up, I didn't mind though because it's our anniversary (1 year! Longest relationship ever!) and he said cute things to me and hugged me and kissed me before he left for College. I can't believe we've been together this long, I've never made a commitment like that before in my whole life, not even to something simple as a favourite colour, or music lessons. It hasn't all been easy with us though, from trampy girls flirting with him and sitting on his lap, to stupid arguments about politics and views on life.
I heard that the first year of marriage is always the hardest, and maybe that's what it's like for the first year of a relationship? It can't all be fun and smiles can it? Although probably about 60% of the arguments between me and Adrian are his fault, but that still leaves the 40%. My flaw is I tend to get jealous too easily, if a girl talks to Adrian and gives him a flirty look I get upset and angry. I think it's ever since my dad left for his foreign whore, he cheated on my mum and abandoned us. I guess I'm scared that Adrian will do the same, when you know someone that well and grew up with them in my case my dad, then when they do something completely out of the ordinary it shocks you. I think I've realized that people are not always what they seem. I wish everyone was just honest, I wish my mun and dad would have had marriage counseling so he wouldn't have felt the need to cheat on her with girls that are desperate enough for money that they'll have sex with anyone. In case you didn't know my dad was very fat and mostly bald at that point (he's now lost a ton of weight for that tramp).
I think I've just realized that I miss him, and that kills me to type it. I've never said that out loud and I never will. Someone like him doesn't deserve a nice caring family, a 4 year old daughter who missed her dad on her birthday because he was too busy spending time with that tramp, a 17 year old daughter who had just finally achieved the perfect life (for then), a 13 year old son who needs encouragement and life lessons, and a caring wife who wasn't good enough just because she didn't like sex after being raped most of her child life. Yes, I don't like talking about it but she was raped a lot by her step dad, and my dad left because he wanted sex that badly. Sex for him must be the most important thing in the world if it comes before your wife and family.
I think that's enough talking about him though, he's not worth the typing or thought. Last night I seeked out a small part of my revenge plan, I scratched the word 'cunt' into his car. No one has noticed yet and when my mum does notice she'll probably be more surprised then mad. She'll probably be a bit chuffed about it on the inside, but she'll never show it. And as for him, the worst thing he could do to me is cancel the money he gives me each week. And it was worth it.
Conor came round my house in the morning which surprised me (seeing as I was asleep for those few short hours I mentioned), it was like nothing had happened. He offered me a hug, I offered him a coke, and we spent the next 40 minutes chatting and sharing cigarettes like nothing had happened. It was strange but it was good to be liked again, it was the perfect anniversary. Well actually, I would have liked Adrian to be more romantic but if he was too romantic then he would have been like one of my old boyfriends who I dumped solely because they were far too cheesy and romantic. I guess the odd sincere compliment and the way he grabs my bum and boobs for ages saying how perfect they are is enough. Sounds quite gross the way I'm putting it but the way he does it is like he sees me as some kind of super model. I don't have a body anything like a super model, and he's told me he loves that. I love his body too, which is another reason I get jealous. I never used to date attractive boys, I don't like sharing them and I don't want anyone looking at them or trying to steal them. Now I'm with Adrian I have to get used to it because he's gorgeous.
I do love Adrian lots. And Gracie and Mum of course, I won't ever leave them out. I think I'll live with them forever!
I couldn't sleep last night (I know I can't sleep every night, but last night was the worst), I lay in bed not being able to sleep until about 9 o clock. When I did finally drift off for an hour or so my boyfriend Adrian came round and woke me up, I didn't mind though because it's our anniversary (1 year! Longest relationship ever!) and he said cute things to me and hugged me and kissed me before he left for College. I can't believe we've been together this long, I've never made a commitment like that before in my whole life, not even to something simple as a favourite colour, or music lessons. It hasn't all been easy with us though, from trampy girls flirting with him and sitting on his lap, to stupid arguments about politics and views on life.
I heard that the first year of marriage is always the hardest, and maybe that's what it's like for the first year of a relationship? It can't all be fun and smiles can it? Although probably about 60% of the arguments between me and Adrian are his fault, but that still leaves the 40%. My flaw is I tend to get jealous too easily, if a girl talks to Adrian and gives him a flirty look I get upset and angry. I think it's ever since my dad left for his foreign whore, he cheated on my mum and abandoned us. I guess I'm scared that Adrian will do the same, when you know someone that well and grew up with them in my case my dad, then when they do something completely out of the ordinary it shocks you. I think I've realized that people are not always what they seem. I wish everyone was just honest, I wish my mun and dad would have had marriage counseling so he wouldn't have felt the need to cheat on her with girls that are desperate enough for money that they'll have sex with anyone. In case you didn't know my dad was very fat and mostly bald at that point (he's now lost a ton of weight for that tramp).
I think I've just realized that I miss him, and that kills me to type it. I've never said that out loud and I never will. Someone like him doesn't deserve a nice caring family, a 4 year old daughter who missed her dad on her birthday because he was too busy spending time with that tramp, a 17 year old daughter who had just finally achieved the perfect life (for then), a 13 year old son who needs encouragement and life lessons, and a caring wife who wasn't good enough just because she didn't like sex after being raped most of her child life. Yes, I don't like talking about it but she was raped a lot by her step dad, and my dad left because he wanted sex that badly. Sex for him must be the most important thing in the world if it comes before your wife and family.
I think that's enough talking about him though, he's not worth the typing or thought. Last night I seeked out a small part of my revenge plan, I scratched the word 'cunt' into his car. No one has noticed yet and when my mum does notice she'll probably be more surprised then mad. She'll probably be a bit chuffed about it on the inside, but she'll never show it. And as for him, the worst thing he could do to me is cancel the money he gives me each week. And it was worth it.
Conor came round my house in the morning which surprised me (seeing as I was asleep for those few short hours I mentioned), it was like nothing had happened. He offered me a hug, I offered him a coke, and we spent the next 40 minutes chatting and sharing cigarettes like nothing had happened. It was strange but it was good to be liked again, it was the perfect anniversary. Well actually, I would have liked Adrian to be more romantic but if he was too romantic then he would have been like one of my old boyfriends who I dumped solely because they were far too cheesy and romantic. I guess the odd sincere compliment and the way he grabs my bum and boobs for ages saying how perfect they are is enough. Sounds quite gross the way I'm putting it but the way he does it is like he sees me as some kind of super model. I don't have a body anything like a super model, and he's told me he loves that. I love his body too, which is another reason I get jealous. I never used to date attractive boys, I don't like sharing them and I don't want anyone looking at them or trying to steal them. Now I'm with Adrian I have to get used to it because he's gorgeous.
I do love Adrian lots. And Gracie and Mum of course, I won't ever leave them out. I think I'll live with them forever!
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
3/11/10
Well I made up with some friends today, it was strange how it all happened, one minute they were saying how pathetic I was and how I wasn't trying to get better (I was), and then the next they ask me to come out with them on Friday.
I had a dream that something like this happened, but when I got to the place to meet them they all threw eggs at me. I hope that doesn't actually happen. I've also been having dreams about being friends with Conor again, its always the same, we apologize to each other and act like nothing ever happened. Strange. I guess it came true? Maybe my mind was telling me to be friends with him again. At least I wont have to worry about people being mean to me again, apart from Sam but he doesn't bother me in the slightest. He's too chicken to do anything all he can do is like bitchy statuses and comments.
Last night was really bad depression wise, but today I guess things are looking up. I'm still switching my anti depressants to Prozac though. I wrote out a letter on my laptop of things I'd want to say to my doctor, I don't know if I'll use it but I definitely want to. At least I have some friends again now, that will be nice. Maybe I could be the person I used to be again, lose some more weight and fit into my old clothes. I'm going to try really hard to get along with everybody and this time I won't let anyone bitch about people to me. I always get the blame for it so I'm done with that.
I was supposed to go to a firework show with my mum and little sister on Friday but now I've cancelled our plans so I can go out with everyone on Friday. I feel really bad and she was obviously upset but if you finally get a chance to hang out with people your own age and behave like a normal teenager for a while you do it. I'll make it up to mum somehow, I wonder what I'll wear on Friday. I'm being silly now, I'll wear what I normally wear, nothing fancy.
I had a dream that something like this happened, but when I got to the place to meet them they all threw eggs at me. I hope that doesn't actually happen. I've also been having dreams about being friends with Conor again, its always the same, we apologize to each other and act like nothing ever happened. Strange. I guess it came true? Maybe my mind was telling me to be friends with him again. At least I wont have to worry about people being mean to me again, apart from Sam but he doesn't bother me in the slightest. He's too chicken to do anything all he can do is like bitchy statuses and comments.
Last night was really bad depression wise, but today I guess things are looking up. I'm still switching my anti depressants to Prozac though. I wrote out a letter on my laptop of things I'd want to say to my doctor, I don't know if I'll use it but I definitely want to. At least I have some friends again now, that will be nice. Maybe I could be the person I used to be again, lose some more weight and fit into my old clothes. I'm going to try really hard to get along with everybody and this time I won't let anyone bitch about people to me. I always get the blame for it so I'm done with that.
I was supposed to go to a firework show with my mum and little sister on Friday but now I've cancelled our plans so I can go out with everyone on Friday. I feel really bad and she was obviously upset but if you finally get a chance to hang out with people your own age and behave like a normal teenager for a while you do it. I'll make it up to mum somehow, I wonder what I'll wear on Friday. I'm being silly now, I'll wear what I normally wear, nothing fancy.
Tuesday, 2 November 2010
2/11/10
It's now been a year since I became depressed. I still don't feel any better. I can't sleep at night, I get constant head aches, nothing I do is fun anymore and I can't think of one person who actually would want to hang out with me.
I can't stop eating today, I noticed a pattern: when I get sad I reach for food. That may not sound so bad.. apart from the fact that I used to be anorexic and bulimic which makes me terrified of eating too much. I now probably eat less then 1000 calories a day and I think that's too much. Part of me knows that that's ridiculous, but the other part of me is so scared of gaining even more weight. I was okay earlier this year with the eating problems, but for the past couple of months I've been dieting and trying to lose weight. I went from 13 stone 4 to 12 stone 0. That's really good, seeing as in that time I didn't make myself throw up (even though I wanted to). I admit I starved myself a bit but my dad once told my mum (just before the eating disorder) that me starving myself a bit wouldn't do me any harm. You can see how irresponsible he is, encouraging me to develop an eating disorder.
Anyway back to today, I feel really low again tonight. It's lonely being up all night on your own, but when you're around people during the day all you want to do is be alone in your room doing nothing. The only things I do now is watch boring TV, smoke cigarettes that burn my throat, drink coke, eat little amounts of food, and sleep. I miss having friends, I know that I could have friends now if I wanted to but I don't think anyone would really want to hang out with me. If I were them I wouldn't hang out with me, who wants to hang out with someone who is depressed 24/7. It's boring and probably depressing for them too.
The only thing that cheers me up and actually makes me happy for about an hour is alcohol. I'm worried because there is a history of alcohol abuse in my family (and depression). The only reason I'm writing this down is because writing down your thoughts are meant to help you emotionally and help you sleep at night, and since I got rid of my counselor because she was a massive bitch, I have no one to talk to. My boyfriend Adrian doesn't want to hear any of it, he can't handle the 'heavy' stuff. I told him I felt the need to self-harm, I needed to say it out loud to someone so they could talk me out of it and make me feel like I'm not such a freak but all he said was it was too much for him. We never talked about when I tried to kill myself, I brought it up once or twice but he just put his head under the blankets and said he wanted to forget it ever happened. My mum talked to me about it, mainly saying how I better never do it again, she almost made jokes about it, that didn't help. I talked to my counselor about it, she asked stupid questions (e.g. how does your mum feel about you being alive? did your boyfriend want you to die?) that also didn't help. Those 3 people were the only ones I could talk about it to, apart from strangers on a depression forum who eventually lost interest or who had already heard it all before from someone else. And now the only people I have left is my mum and Adrian, but Adrian doesn't want to talk about my feelings anymore or how I am so I only have my mum left, who is now too busy to talk and ask how I am because she's busy now that my brother has moved back from Germany. He sits around the house all day downstairs watching Star Trek and annoying everyone with his sarcastic comments and his old man talk. He's 13 for fucks sake, at that age I was making friends and going out, and when I was 14 I was going to parties and sneaking out to see my friends all day every day. It annoys me that he's so different. Why can't he at least try to be liked, why can't he stop making our lives hell, he doesn't understand that if he treated people with respect he would get the same respect back. And then he comes home after school everyday crying and complaining about people 'bullying' him. He brings it on himself and my mum has finally realized that after nearly 3 years of trying to make her understand.
I am so sick of feeling alone, I wish I had Tanya back, well I want her to be how she used to be again, and then I'd want her back. It's not fair, any shred of hope of finding religion later in life has been destroyed, if there is a god then he wouldn't have done this to me. And I know religious people always say 'God works in mysterious ways' but this is not mysterious, this is torture and the only thing mysterious about this is why he's picking on me and what have I done SO wrong that he feels the need to wreck my life. I never thought I'd get to the point were I actually wanted to die, I still do want to die but I can't, stupid as it sounds I promised my mum and if I ever did fail another suicide attempt I know I couldn't live with myself. Why can't I die and have no one hurt by my actions. The only thing that stops me trying to kill myself again is the thought of Gracie and my mum living without me, I know they'd be so distraught and my mum has already lost a husband (however shitty and abusive he was) and a son, she doesn't need to lose a daughter as well. That would be like how god treats me; wrecking my life for no reason. Maybe I have such bad luck now is because God is actually punishing someone else, like my dad for being such a shit father and a horrible person, but by punishing me he's punishing him. Not only does he not get to speak to me but he also has to lose me altogether.
I fucking hate my dad, I really do wish he was dead. It makes me sick, the things I want to do but can't because I'm scared he'd take the small amount of money a week he sends me, and also stop my mums money. I want to break his car and scratch horrible words on it, I want to plant drugs in his back so when he goes back to that shitty new country of his he gets stopped and has to go to jail, I want to hit myself with hard objects and blame him for the bruises and sue him. But I can't, because that would also hurt my mum and my sister, we need the money for rent and food and clothes. The average cost of raising a child is 400,000 pounds and we have a long way to go before we can stop taking the money. Sometimes I think of quitting college and getting a job so I could make money for the family and support them myself, instead of that bastard 'supporting' us. I want to kill that stupid bitch that started this all, his 'mistress'. She's only with him for the money and he's already starting to figure that out but no, he still stays with her because he's a disgusting pig who will do anything and pay anything for sex, even if it's with a vile person like her.
These are supposed to be the best years of my life and if they are then I'm dreading the other years. It's sad how the only thing that can make me feel better is the impossible, killing him and that bitch, or killing myself.
I can't stop eating today, I noticed a pattern: when I get sad I reach for food. That may not sound so bad.. apart from the fact that I used to be anorexic and bulimic which makes me terrified of eating too much. I now probably eat less then 1000 calories a day and I think that's too much. Part of me knows that that's ridiculous, but the other part of me is so scared of gaining even more weight. I was okay earlier this year with the eating problems, but for the past couple of months I've been dieting and trying to lose weight. I went from 13 stone 4 to 12 stone 0. That's really good, seeing as in that time I didn't make myself throw up (even though I wanted to). I admit I starved myself a bit but my dad once told my mum (just before the eating disorder) that me starving myself a bit wouldn't do me any harm. You can see how irresponsible he is, encouraging me to develop an eating disorder.
Anyway back to today, I feel really low again tonight. It's lonely being up all night on your own, but when you're around people during the day all you want to do is be alone in your room doing nothing. The only things I do now is watch boring TV, smoke cigarettes that burn my throat, drink coke, eat little amounts of food, and sleep. I miss having friends, I know that I could have friends now if I wanted to but I don't think anyone would really want to hang out with me. If I were them I wouldn't hang out with me, who wants to hang out with someone who is depressed 24/7. It's boring and probably depressing for them too.
The only thing that cheers me up and actually makes me happy for about an hour is alcohol. I'm worried because there is a history of alcohol abuse in my family (and depression). The only reason I'm writing this down is because writing down your thoughts are meant to help you emotionally and help you sleep at night, and since I got rid of my counselor because she was a massive bitch, I have no one to talk to. My boyfriend Adrian doesn't want to hear any of it, he can't handle the 'heavy' stuff. I told him I felt the need to self-harm, I needed to say it out loud to someone so they could talk me out of it and make me feel like I'm not such a freak but all he said was it was too much for him. We never talked about when I tried to kill myself, I brought it up once or twice but he just put his head under the blankets and said he wanted to forget it ever happened. My mum talked to me about it, mainly saying how I better never do it again, she almost made jokes about it, that didn't help. I talked to my counselor about it, she asked stupid questions (e.g. how does your mum feel about you being alive? did your boyfriend want you to die?) that also didn't help. Those 3 people were the only ones I could talk about it to, apart from strangers on a depression forum who eventually lost interest or who had already heard it all before from someone else. And now the only people I have left is my mum and Adrian, but Adrian doesn't want to talk about my feelings anymore or how I am so I only have my mum left, who is now too busy to talk and ask how I am because she's busy now that my brother has moved back from Germany. He sits around the house all day downstairs watching Star Trek and annoying everyone with his sarcastic comments and his old man talk. He's 13 for fucks sake, at that age I was making friends and going out, and when I was 14 I was going to parties and sneaking out to see my friends all day every day. It annoys me that he's so different. Why can't he at least try to be liked, why can't he stop making our lives hell, he doesn't understand that if he treated people with respect he would get the same respect back. And then he comes home after school everyday crying and complaining about people 'bullying' him. He brings it on himself and my mum has finally realized that after nearly 3 years of trying to make her understand.
I am so sick of feeling alone, I wish I had Tanya back, well I want her to be how she used to be again, and then I'd want her back. It's not fair, any shred of hope of finding religion later in life has been destroyed, if there is a god then he wouldn't have done this to me. And I know religious people always say 'God works in mysterious ways' but this is not mysterious, this is torture and the only thing mysterious about this is why he's picking on me and what have I done SO wrong that he feels the need to wreck my life. I never thought I'd get to the point were I actually wanted to die, I still do want to die but I can't, stupid as it sounds I promised my mum and if I ever did fail another suicide attempt I know I couldn't live with myself. Why can't I die and have no one hurt by my actions. The only thing that stops me trying to kill myself again is the thought of Gracie and my mum living without me, I know they'd be so distraught and my mum has already lost a husband (however shitty and abusive he was) and a son, she doesn't need to lose a daughter as well. That would be like how god treats me; wrecking my life for no reason. Maybe I have such bad luck now is because God is actually punishing someone else, like my dad for being such a shit father and a horrible person, but by punishing me he's punishing him. Not only does he not get to speak to me but he also has to lose me altogether.
I fucking hate my dad, I really do wish he was dead. It makes me sick, the things I want to do but can't because I'm scared he'd take the small amount of money a week he sends me, and also stop my mums money. I want to break his car and scratch horrible words on it, I want to plant drugs in his back so when he goes back to that shitty new country of his he gets stopped and has to go to jail, I want to hit myself with hard objects and blame him for the bruises and sue him. But I can't, because that would also hurt my mum and my sister, we need the money for rent and food and clothes. The average cost of raising a child is 400,000 pounds and we have a long way to go before we can stop taking the money. Sometimes I think of quitting college and getting a job so I could make money for the family and support them myself, instead of that bastard 'supporting' us. I want to kill that stupid bitch that started this all, his 'mistress'. She's only with him for the money and he's already starting to figure that out but no, he still stays with her because he's a disgusting pig who will do anything and pay anything for sex, even if it's with a vile person like her.
These are supposed to be the best years of my life and if they are then I'm dreading the other years. It's sad how the only thing that can make me feel better is the impossible, killing him and that bitch, or killing myself.
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Me before depression
I used to be such a lively and bubbly person, I was popular and was friends with anyone and everyone. I had a large circle of close friends who I spent all day everyday with. We could just sit around and watch strangers walk by and we'd still be happy. I had the best friend in the world, Tanya Hillman. It was like she was my soul mate, she shared the same interests as me, she made me feel like I was the most interesting person in the world. I never really had a best friend before Tanya, at least not a true one.
It was like my life was absolutely perfect, there was nothing I could think of that was wrong with my life: my parents were still together and happy, we were living an above average lifestyle (money-wise), I had amazing friends, I was actually okay with my weight for the first time in my life, and everything just seemed like a never ending holiday.
My friends used to call me 'Amy-holic', my name is Amy and we would occasionally get drunk together (my trademark drink was Vodka, you couldn't even think of Vodka without thinking about me). Most people would say that the fact we were getting drunk at the age of 15/16 means we were either unhappy, pressured into it, or trying to show off. But it wasn't like that for us, we were one big happy family. I didn't have a boyfriend at that time but I didn't care, who needs a boyfriend when you have a good home life and an amazing social life?
It makes me realize how lucky I was and how much I took it for granted. Sometimes I think it's karma that ruined my life (my teenage life, at least). I used to treat my boyfriends badly, I was jealous and would often cheat on them. I was young and reckless but I never thought I'd have to deal with the consequences.
Here's a few pictures of me and my best friends before the depression:
(From left to right: Nikita, Chris, Conor, A-J, Tanya)
(From left to right: Chris and Conor)
(From left to right: Me (Amy) and Tanya)
It was like my life was absolutely perfect, there was nothing I could think of that was wrong with my life: my parents were still together and happy, we were living an above average lifestyle (money-wise), I had amazing friends, I was actually okay with my weight for the first time in my life, and everything just seemed like a never ending holiday.
My friends used to call me 'Amy-holic', my name is Amy and we would occasionally get drunk together (my trademark drink was Vodka, you couldn't even think of Vodka without thinking about me). Most people would say that the fact we were getting drunk at the age of 15/16 means we were either unhappy, pressured into it, or trying to show off. But it wasn't like that for us, we were one big happy family. I didn't have a boyfriend at that time but I didn't care, who needs a boyfriend when you have a good home life and an amazing social life?
It makes me realize how lucky I was and how much I took it for granted. Sometimes I think it's karma that ruined my life (my teenage life, at least). I used to treat my boyfriends badly, I was jealous and would often cheat on them. I was young and reckless but I never thought I'd have to deal with the consequences.
Here's a few pictures of me and my best friends before the depression:
(From left to right: Nikita, Chris, Conor, A-J, Tanya)
(From left to right: Chris and Conor)
(From left to right: Me (Amy) and Tanya)
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