I forgot to mention, the reasons I know I'm getting better:-Took new photos of myself for the first time in 2 years-Been more socially active on facebook-Looked for new music, and listened to it-Developed a strong motivation to lose weight (In the last month(?) I've lost a stone)-Smiled and laughed truly a lot more-Got my sex drive back-Gave up the anti-depressants-Didn't need to have a 'project' as much-Bought new clothes and new makeupThat's all I can think of right now, but there are more.Photo of new me:
It's been a while since I've wrote, I'm getting better everyday, slowly but surely.I think the worst is over now, but I'm worried, I'm forgetting all the hard times before. I don't ever want to forget, I vowed I'd never forget, cause I think this whole ordeal has made me stronger in some way.Although I'm a lot more socially awkward now, and I think this will make finding new friends even harder (especially since Bexhill is such a small town anyway..) but I'll try my hardest. I already made 4 friends on my College open day, it was nice. One of them felt very natural, like we'd known eachother for years, but we wont be on the exact same course. I'm level 3 and she's level 2, I can't remember her name though. I figured this would happen, but I really didn't want to forget, I was sure I wouldn't forget her name.I have so much to learn as I grow up, but what I do know is that I will try to be as happy as possible.I was thinking of writing a book, or maybe a manga, although I can't draw- but I could learn.That's what I love about the internet, you can learn anything. Whenever I'm unsure about anything I bring Google up and just search anything I'm interested or stuck on.Being trapped in this room everyday all day, makes me think about things. Like, things that have happened in the past that I desperately want to forget. Why is it at times like these I can only remember the bad things? Sometimes its embarrassing things, but sometimes it's things I've done to people in the past, bad things. I want to forget about these things, but they keep me up every night. I don't know if it's a sign, like maybe I have to remember these things and suffer them or I will suffer through the much worse pain of depression. I sometimes think I developed this depression for 2 reasons; 1) As a punishment for all the terrible things I've done to people, mainly to the boys I've dated. Like karma. 2) I've been told quite a lot that I'm a creative person, and they say the best authors/artists etc have had a disease like that. It could be like, a sign to write something. I think I'd like to do that though, while training to be a nurse in my spare time (If I get any!) I could write a book. I think if I did write something I'd write about some of the things that have happened to me in it.I hope one day I can learn Japanese, maybe move to Japan, have a happy life and get married. That dream seems so small to me, I sometimes wish more interesting things would happen. But these 2 years have been 'interesting' enough for my liking. I want my impossible fantasies to come true, I want to be rescued and feel truly accepted. I know I'm going to try my hardest to be big in life, but I sometimes worry that that wont be enough for me.It's almost 4am now, I haven't been able to sleep lately. All the thinking and such, keeps me awake. I wish I could sleep like Adrian does, his head hits the pillow at any time and he's gone. I often feel really jealous of him for that. Maybe one day, when I make right everything that has happened, maybe I'll finally be able to sleep soundly.I want to keep writing, but I should sleep. If I'm honest I want to stay up all night and sleep all day. I'm much more creative at night and I don't have to worry about things like privacy and my mum yelling at me non-stop. She's been especially brutal these last 2 weeks. She makes it obvious how jealous she is that I get to do whatever I want, that I get to sleep in to ridiculous times and how carefree I am right now. She really hates it, sometimes I think she truly has these hateful feelings for me.I hope one day I can look back at this blog and smile, knowing everything has been sorted, and that I'm fine now.
