18/7/2011

I forgot to mention, the reasons I know I'm getting better:

-Took new photos of myself for the first time in 2 years
-Been more socially active on facebook
-Looked for new music, and listened to it
-Developed a strong motivation to lose weight (In the last month(?) I've lost a stone)
-Smiled and laughed truly a lot more
-Got my sex drive back
-Gave up the anti-depressants
-Didn't need to have a 'project' as much
-Bought new clothes and new makeup

That's all I can think of right now, but there are more.

Photo of new me:

18/7/2011

It's been a while since I've wrote, I'm getting better everyday, slowly but surely.
I think the worst is over now, but I'm worried, I'm forgetting all the hard times before. I don't ever want to forget, I vowed I'd never forget, cause I think this whole ordeal has made me stronger in some way.
Although I'm a lot more socially awkward now, and I think this will make finding new friends even harder (especially since Bexhill is such a small town anyway..) but I'll try my hardest. I already made 4 friends on my College open day, it was nice. One of them felt very natural, like we'd known eachother for years, but we wont be on the exact same course. I'm level 3 and she's level 2, I can't remember her name though. I figured this would happen, but I really didn't want to forget, I was sure I wouldn't forget her name.
I have so much to learn as I grow up, but what I do know is that I will try to be as happy as possible.

I was thinking of writing a book, or maybe a manga, although I can't draw- but I could learn.
That's what I love about the internet, you can learn anything. Whenever I'm unsure about anything I bring Google up and just search anything I'm interested or stuck on.

Being trapped in this room everyday all day, makes me think about things. Like, things that have happened in the past that I desperately want to forget. Why is it at times like these I can only remember the bad things? Sometimes its embarrassing things, but sometimes it's things I've done to people in the past, bad things. I want to forget about these things, but they keep me up every night. I don't know if it's a sign, like maybe I have to remember these things and suffer them or I will suffer through the much worse pain of depression. I sometimes think I developed this depression for 2 reasons; 1) As a punishment for all the terrible things I've done to people, mainly to the boys I've dated. Like karma. 2) I've been told quite a lot that I'm a creative person, and they say the best authors/artists etc have had a disease like that. It could be like, a sign to write something. I think I'd like to do that though, while training to be a nurse in my spare time (If I get any!) I could write a book. I think if I did write something I'd write about some of the things that have happened to me in it.

I hope one day I can learn Japanese, maybe move to Japan, have a happy life and get married. That dream seems so small to me, I sometimes wish more interesting things would happen. But these 2 years have been 'interesting' enough for my liking. I want my impossible fantasies to come true, I want to be rescued and feel truly accepted. I know I'm going to try my hardest to be big in life, but I sometimes worry that that wont be enough for me.

It's almost 4am now, I haven't been able to sleep lately. All the thinking and such, keeps me awake. I wish I could sleep like Adrian does, his head hits the pillow at any time and he's gone. I often feel really jealous of him for that. Maybe one day, when I make right everything that has happened, maybe I'll finally be able to sleep soundly.

I want to keep writing, but I should sleep. If I'm honest I want to stay up all night and sleep all day. I'm much more creative at night and I don't have to worry about things like privacy and my mum yelling at me non-stop. She's been especially brutal these last 2 weeks. She makes it obvious how jealous she is that I get to do whatever I want, that I get to sleep in to ridiculous times and how carefree I am right now. She really hates it, sometimes I think she truly has these hateful feelings for me.

I hope one day I can look back at this blog and smile, knowing everything has been sorted, and that I'm fine now.

projects arent working as well as they used to
baking, lost its appeal after a year
being gracies 'dad', worked in some way but mum got upset
world of warcraft character levelling
anime, getting a big collection to watch
library books, reading as much as i can
sewing a blanket, no money
downloading movies and putting them on discs, cant find anymore movies id like
improving image, dyed hair and lost a bit of wait. hair is fading and weight has been regained

the fucked up thing that the next project i have seriously been thinking of is having a baby. i guess i like the idea cause the baby will love me forever. wont leave me. ill be the most important person in the world to it.
i wrote a list

pros:
unconditional love
i want to have children
might give me something to live for
if i start early i can have lots of children
happiness?



cons:
is it just to make my life interesting?
no freedom
using it as a project?
havent thought about it long enough?
no smoking
much less money
me and gracie may grow apart
no behaving like a kid anymore
get fatter
saggy boobs
wont be able to handle it cause of depression
too young
adrian might be angry
adrian might leave me
mum will be disappointed
will interfere with studies
things might still be bad and i could kill myself, child have no mother, might end up hating me
more pressure on mum

everything tells me to not have a baby, but it seems like, a fix. it would make me happier. and im getting pretty near to the end. its got to the point where i dont see me in the future. no nurse, no kids, no happiness. i guess thats why i want a kid now, before its too late.
just wanna die, im supposed to be getting better, but no one takes me seriously or they dont wanna know. they'll feel bad when i crack and just kill myself one day.
shouldnt feel like this, supposed to be the happiest times of my life at this age.
but i cant die, cause mum said. so what do i do? live on like this? i need a mercy kill. i hate being ths pathetic.

Another gloomy blog.
With all the stupid cognitive behavioural therapy crap im doing im no longer just sad, im like 60% sad and something % other blah.
I shouldn't know all this shit at my age, i should be out getting drunk and having fun.
Just feels like im fighting a losing battle, and i can now say that i quit. No longer fighting back, im too tired. I cant bloody wait to die.
What is the point seriously
Cant be bothered.
All i want to do is drink and die or cut myself ffs. I really do fit the emo stereotype now, how embarassing is that. Fucking hate myself for fitting in with the stereotpe but hey if cutting myself to ribbons helps then why the hell not.
Had lots of shitty arguments with the crappy family (dads side), gonna sue him blah. Really too tired and fed up to get better.
Just wanna give up.
Oh and im back with adrian on a positive note.
Positivity yay..
Being positive doesnt help at all
fuck this shitty life
arghhh
all that creappy inbred bastards fault. i bet if i killed him id feel better

I cant trust anyone, my mum turned on me. even as im thinking of writing this i know everyone would think im being 'over dramatic amy'. im remembering everything bad thats happened this last year and i want to die. whats the point. im stuck in limbo, and im getting better and then something happens and my 'dad' comes back and i go crazy again. they wont let me be a nurse im too psycho. my mum promised me a load of things that she wouldnt let dad do, and one of them she offered to him. she promised. why does no one care about me anymore? i feel so alone. i wish i had enough to overdose on. i feel like im locked in a mental place in this room all the time.

17/12/10

I feel a lot better lately, the anti depressants are really working and they don't give me all the shitty side effects citalopram did. Everything looks brighter and I hope this means I'm getting better. I got World of Warcraft back and that kinda helps, gives me something to do and some limits to achieve. I'm lame ha. I don't feel so weird about Adrian either, I just think about how much of a prick he was towards the end and that makes me feel okay about him shagging some dirty slut from college (if he does). He was so horrible about me trying to kill myself, I accepted that for a couple of months but when I needed him he wasn't there. He was never there in the end, and I had no one but my mum and she was busy. No wonder I felt more suicidal.
Christmas is almost here and at first I was desperate to feel the 'christmas spirit', I baked gingerbread, watched christmas films, sung christmas songs, decorated the chistmas tree, put up decorations etc but I'm still not feeling it :( I kinda gave up, I'll try watching a christmas film today (It's currently 10 past 11 pm and this is my morning, fucked up insomnia). I cant wait for my christmas presents and stocking though (the stocking is the best bit!).

27/11/10

Me and Adrian broke up, another 2 girls like him and are apparently desperate to have him. I know I come first with him but I don't have the energy to keep pushing girls off him like that. And everytime I do get rid of a girl that likes him (usually by threatening them) everyone thinks I'm a psycho jealous bitch. It's Adrians fault, he's way too friendly with them. Why should I have to be the bitch all the time when I can be in a relationship were I don't have to be a bitch and I can actually trust my boyfriend not to flirt with other girls or lead other girls on. That's what he does, he leads girls on. If I wasn't so angry at some of these girls I'd feel sorry for them, he's doing to them what other boys have once done to me (and probably will continue doing till I fine 'the one'). I feel sorry for these girls, they're so desperate that they try to take someone who is already in a relationship. Makes me so angry. You can't be with someone any more without someone trying to take them from you. From now on I have no intention of being in a serious relationship until I'm through College and Nurse school and have become a nurse. I will find an average looking doctor who no one is remotely interested in, but is still nice and romantic, and then we will get married, have kids and live happily ever after. And he wouldn't cheat on me because he wouldn't be like that and I'd get some sort of bug attached to him so I know what he's doing at ALL times. I hate men.

It also annoys me that now me and Adrian have broken up all my friends are on BOTH of our sides, saying to both of us that they're both going to be there for us. It's like he's stolen all my friends now as well. Sometimes I wish I never went out with him. It is serious this time, I don't want to get hurt anymore, I should have listened to Conor when he first found out about us. Conor told me that Adrian would just end up hurting me, and he did. If I hadn't of gone out with Adrian then me and Tanya wouldn't have drifted apart, she wouldn't be with that dick Sam, she wouldn't be drinking so much and wait for it... she wouldn't be doing pills! PILLS. Of all things me and Tanya always swore we'd never touch pills and what does she do? She goes ahead and does them. I just want to tie her up, throw her in a car, drive to somewhere no one will find us, ween her off alcohol and drugs, convince her to break up with sam, and get her to eat properly. Then I'd take her home and we'd both be hypnotized into forgetting all the horrible stuff we said about each other. Problem solved! If only, ha. I wish that could happen. I'll sort my life out by this September, my weight, my depression, my friendship with Tanya, my social life and my money problems!