projects arent working as well as they used to
baking, lost its appeal after a year
being gracies 'dad', worked in some way but mum got upset
world of warcraft character levelling
anime, getting a big collection to watch
library books, reading as much as i can
sewing a blanket, no money
downloading movies and putting them on discs, cant find anymore movies id like
improving image, dyed hair and lost a bit of wait. hair is fading and weight has been regained

the fucked up thing that the next project i have seriously been thinking of is having a baby. i guess i like the idea cause the baby will love me forever. wont leave me. ill be the most important person in the world to it.
i wrote a list

pros:
unconditional love
i want to have children
might give me something to live for
if i start early i can have lots of children
happiness?



cons:
is it just to make my life interesting?
no freedom
using it as a project?
havent thought about it long enough?
no smoking
much less money
me and gracie may grow apart
no behaving like a kid anymore
get fatter
saggy boobs
wont be able to handle it cause of depression
too young
adrian might be angry
adrian might leave me
mum will be disappointed
will interfere with studies
things might still be bad and i could kill myself, child have no mother, might end up hating me
more pressure on mum

everything tells me to not have a baby, but it seems like, a fix. it would make me happier. and im getting pretty near to the end. its got to the point where i dont see me in the future. no nurse, no kids, no happiness. i guess thats why i want a kid now, before its too late.
just wanna die, im supposed to be getting better, but no one takes me seriously or they dont wanna know. they'll feel bad when i crack and just kill myself one day.
shouldnt feel like this, supposed to be the happiest times of my life at this age.
but i cant die, cause mum said. so what do i do? live on like this? i need a mercy kill. i hate being ths pathetic.