Everything seems so bland lately, food, music, TV, relationships, life. This is what happens when I read books, nothing compares in real life to what goes on in books. Even the food and the weather sounds so much better in books. I am so bored of everything. And I hate that I let people walk all over me now, I've had enough and I deserve some happiness.
It's too cold lately, it was fun at first and cosy but now I know I'm probably not going to get that special blanket I wanted for Christmas so the thoughts of the cold weather don't make me excited anymore. I'm sick of not having enough money, why did it have to come to this? As soon as that bastard left we were left with nothing. He only pays for the bills and the rent, and for some reason his job is not paying enough. Probably because he's spending all his money on that stupid bitch. I don't even feel as angry about it anymore but when I write it all out the anger just builds up and explodes. It's like when I go to the doctors every month and if it's a new doctor they make me talk about why I'm depressed. I didn't think it would bother me to talk about it again until I'm halfway through my story and crying my eyes out. I wish he would just die and leave us all alone.
On the positive note (cognitive behavioural therapy- always replace negative thoughts with positive ones!) I rented a load of books from the library to give me something to do and stop all the crappy thoughts. So far I'm reading a book called 'Wicked Games', it's like a modern day Romeo and Juliet. Every time I read a sex scene in the book I feel dirty and ashamed (especially if I get turned on), it's been like this for a while now. If there's anything to do with sex on TV or in a book I feel disgusting for watching or reading it. I blame my stupid bastard of a dad and his slut for that, her going into detail about their sex life, it's made me ashamed to even think about sex. I still have sex (when Adrian actually can be bothered to have it), but I always feel dirty afterwards and sometimes homesick? The paranoia has died down a bit, mostly because of the way Adrian reacted to it, sometimes I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship but don't have the scars to prove it. I let Adrian go to parties without me, hang out with his friends and their slutty female friends, and I don't go all psycho anymore if a random girl talks to him or adds him on facebook. I usually delete the slutty ones anyway. It's all so dull.
I want someone passionate and romantic, someone who shares my interests and doesn't mind when I talk shit (maybe they'd think I wasn't talking shit, and join in the conversation). But with Adrian it's all sports and him moaning about how tired he is, this is the way things go: He comes home from college and I wake up, He calls me to let me know he's on his way all hyperactive and giddy, He comes home, He sits down and then for the rest of the time we're together he ignores me and sometimes falls asleep. No kiss, no hug, no I missed you. The only time he kisses me is when he goes home, but that's only a quick peck on the lips and then he's off. I'm sick of trying to change him it's hard and he never takes it seriously, I've changed for him! Why can't he do the same?
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