Had a surprisingly okay day today, mum made my favourite food (apart from onion rings): Corned beef hash. Every bonfire night she makes it and it makes me want to have bonfire night every week! Mum guilt tripped me into going to a fireworks show at Gracies school with her, she made me feel really sad for her, she kept saying how lonely she was and how there was no one to go to the fireworks show with her. I just imagined her struggling along with Gracie and being sad. I really wasn't in the mood to walk all the way to Gracies school and back, in the end I decided to go. I had a really good time actually, Gracie clung on to me ALL night. She never let go of my hand and she kept telling me she loved me, that also made me feel bad for mum. She ALWAYS has to play bad cop with Gracie, and I'm always the fun one. The fireworks were amazing, they were definitely the best fireworks I have ever seen.
I didn't go out with Conor and everyone today, my sleeping problems have gotten worse, I can't sleep at ALL! It's at least 7am in the morning now untill I can fall asleep, it makes me so exhausted during the day and I really wasn't up for going out with everyone. I wish I did but maybe another day. I think I might go into college on Tuesday, I don't want everyone thinking I'm weird for going into College for no reason though. Ah well, I'll do what I want.
I am so bored, at least the sadness isn't too bad today, I actually feel okay right now, I know that later I'll start feeling depressed again though. I'll enjoy the time I have now though, that's all I can really do. It would be amazing if I could just sleep through the depressed hours. It's like I'm 2 different people in 1 day! Sometimes I think I'm bi-polar, but then again I really shouldn't self diagnose. I had a guy from the depression forum send me a long mail yesterday, he told me he was praying for me and he sent me tons of bible quotes, he said God was watching me. I should be touched by that right? Wrong! I was enraged! I there was a God he wouldn't have done this to me! Fuck him! You can't think talking about the power of God on a depression forum where people hate their lives is okay... idiots.
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