It's now been a year since I became depressed. I still don't feel any better. I can't sleep at night, I get constant head aches, nothing I do is fun anymore and I can't think of one person who actually would want to hang out with me.
I can't stop eating today, I noticed a pattern: when I get sad I reach for food. That may not sound so bad.. apart from the fact that I used to be anorexic and bulimic which makes me terrified of eating too much. I now probably eat less then 1000 calories a day and I think that's too much. Part of me knows that that's ridiculous, but the other part of me is so scared of gaining even more weight. I was okay earlier this year with the eating problems, but for the past couple of months I've been dieting and trying to lose weight. I went from 13 stone 4 to 12 stone 0. That's really good, seeing as in that time I didn't make myself throw up (even though I wanted to). I admit I starved myself a bit but my dad once told my mum (just before the eating disorder) that me starving myself a bit wouldn't do me any harm. You can see how irresponsible he is, encouraging me to develop an eating disorder.
Anyway back to today, I feel really low again tonight. It's lonely being up all night on your own, but when you're around people during the day all you want to do is be alone in your room doing nothing. The only things I do now is watch boring TV, smoke cigarettes that burn my throat, drink coke, eat little amounts of food, and sleep. I miss having friends, I know that I could have friends now if I wanted to but I don't think anyone would really want to hang out with me. If I were them I wouldn't hang out with me, who wants to hang out with someone who is depressed 24/7. It's boring and probably depressing for them too.
The only thing that cheers me up and actually makes me happy for about an hour is alcohol. I'm worried because there is a history of alcohol abuse in my family (and depression). The only reason I'm writing this down is because writing down your thoughts are meant to help you emotionally and help you sleep at night, and since I got rid of my counselor because she was a massive bitch, I have no one to talk to. My boyfriend Adrian doesn't want to hear any of it, he can't handle the 'heavy' stuff. I told him I felt the need to self-harm, I needed to say it out loud to someone so they could talk me out of it and make me feel like I'm not such a freak but all he said was it was too much for him. We never talked about when I tried to kill myself, I brought it up once or twice but he just put his head under the blankets and said he wanted to forget it ever happened. My mum talked to me about it, mainly saying how I better never do it again, she almost made jokes about it, that didn't help. I talked to my counselor about it, she asked stupid questions (e.g. how does your mum feel about you being alive? did your boyfriend want you to die?) that also didn't help. Those 3 people were the only ones I could talk about it to, apart from strangers on a depression forum who eventually lost interest or who had already heard it all before from someone else. And now the only people I have left is my mum and Adrian, but Adrian doesn't want to talk about my feelings anymore or how I am so I only have my mum left, who is now too busy to talk and ask how I am because she's busy now that my brother has moved back from Germany. He sits around the house all day downstairs watching Star Trek and annoying everyone with his sarcastic comments and his old man talk. He's 13 for fucks sake, at that age I was making friends and going out, and when I was 14 I was going to parties and sneaking out to see my friends all day every day. It annoys me that he's so different. Why can't he at least try to be liked, why can't he stop making our lives hell, he doesn't understand that if he treated people with respect he would get the same respect back. And then he comes home after school everyday crying and complaining about people 'bullying' him. He brings it on himself and my mum has finally realized that after nearly 3 years of trying to make her understand.
I am so sick of feeling alone, I wish I had Tanya back, well I want her to be how she used to be again, and then I'd want her back. It's not fair, any shred of hope of finding religion later in life has been destroyed, if there is a god then he wouldn't have done this to me. And I know religious people always say 'God works in mysterious ways' but this is not mysterious, this is torture and the only thing mysterious about this is why he's picking on me and what have I done SO wrong that he feels the need to wreck my life. I never thought I'd get to the point were I actually wanted to die, I still do want to die but I can't, stupid as it sounds I promised my mum and if I ever did fail another suicide attempt I know I couldn't live with myself. Why can't I die and have no one hurt by my actions. The only thing that stops me trying to kill myself again is the thought of Gracie and my mum living without me, I know they'd be so distraught and my mum has already lost a husband (however shitty and abusive he was) and a son, she doesn't need to lose a daughter as well. That would be like how god treats me; wrecking my life for no reason. Maybe I have such bad luck now is because God is actually punishing someone else, like my dad for being such a shit father and a horrible person, but by punishing me he's punishing him. Not only does he not get to speak to me but he also has to lose me altogether.
I fucking hate my dad, I really do wish he was dead. It makes me sick, the things I want to do but can't because I'm scared he'd take the small amount of money a week he sends me, and also stop my mums money. I want to break his car and scratch horrible words on it, I want to plant drugs in his back so when he goes back to that shitty new country of his he gets stopped and has to go to jail, I want to hit myself with hard objects and blame him for the bruises and sue him. But I can't, because that would also hurt my mum and my sister, we need the money for rent and food and clothes. The average cost of raising a child is 400,000 pounds and we have a long way to go before we can stop taking the money. Sometimes I think of quitting college and getting a job so I could make money for the family and support them myself, instead of that bastard 'supporting' us. I want to kill that stupid bitch that started this all, his 'mistress'. She's only with him for the money and he's already starting to figure that out but no, he still stays with her because he's a disgusting pig who will do anything and pay anything for sex, even if it's with a vile person like her.
These are supposed to be the best years of my life and if they are then I'm dreading the other years. It's sad how the only thing that can make me feel better is the impossible, killing him and that bitch, or killing myself.
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