Last night I took a walk into town at around 4/5 am in the morning. I thought if I could push through my stupid depressed thoughts I could have the courage to go out with my friends without being nervous, and it did help. Walking to town I was so scared, I kept hearing freaky noises and it was extremely windy that night which didn't help, then I suddenly started thinking about zombie movies, which scared me even more. I kept talking to myself, out loud, the whole time about how I could do it and why I was doing it and what I could accomplish if I did do it. In the end as I walked back from town to home, I felt so empowered and actually quite smug that I did it. I pushed out the negative thoughts and punished myself into doing something that could actually stop my depression ruling my life. I feel so proud of myself and I felt confident that I could now hang out with my friends without feeling like that.
I couldn't sleep last night (I know I can't sleep every night, but last night was the worst), I lay in bed not being able to sleep until about 9 o clock. When I did finally drift off for an hour or so my boyfriend Adrian came round and woke me up, I didn't mind though because it's our anniversary (1 year! Longest relationship ever!) and he said cute things to me and hugged me and kissed me before he left for College. I can't believe we've been together this long, I've never made a commitment like that before in my whole life, not even to something simple as a favourite colour, or music lessons. It hasn't all been easy with us though, from trampy girls flirting with him and sitting on his lap, to stupid arguments about politics and views on life.
I heard that the first year of marriage is always the hardest, and maybe that's what it's like for the first year of a relationship? It can't all be fun and smiles can it? Although probably about 60% of the arguments between me and Adrian are his fault, but that still leaves the 40%. My flaw is I tend to get jealous too easily, if a girl talks to Adrian and gives him a flirty look I get upset and angry. I think it's ever since my dad left for his foreign whore, he cheated on my mum and abandoned us. I guess I'm scared that Adrian will do the same, when you know someone that well and grew up with them in my case my dad, then when they do something completely out of the ordinary it shocks you. I think I've realized that people are not always what they seem. I wish everyone was just honest, I wish my mun and dad would have had marriage counseling so he wouldn't have felt the need to cheat on her with girls that are desperate enough for money that they'll have sex with anyone. In case you didn't know my dad was very fat and mostly bald at that point (he's now lost a ton of weight for that tramp).
I think I've just realized that I miss him, and that kills me to type it. I've never said that out loud and I never will. Someone like him doesn't deserve a nice caring family, a 4 year old daughter who missed her dad on her birthday because he was too busy spending time with that tramp, a 17 year old daughter who had just finally achieved the perfect life (for then), a 13 year old son who needs encouragement and life lessons, and a caring wife who wasn't good enough just because she didn't like sex after being raped most of her child life. Yes, I don't like talking about it but she was raped a lot by her step dad, and my dad left because he wanted sex that badly. Sex for him must be the most important thing in the world if it comes before your wife and family.
I think that's enough talking about him though, he's not worth the typing or thought. Last night I seeked out a small part of my revenge plan, I scratched the word 'cunt' into his car. No one has noticed yet and when my mum does notice she'll probably be more surprised then mad. She'll probably be a bit chuffed about it on the inside, but she'll never show it. And as for him, the worst thing he could do to me is cancel the money he gives me each week. And it was worth it.
Conor came round my house in the morning which surprised me (seeing as I was asleep for those few short hours I mentioned), it was like nothing had happened. He offered me a hug, I offered him a coke, and we spent the next 40 minutes chatting and sharing cigarettes like nothing had happened. It was strange but it was good to be liked again, it was the perfect anniversary. Well actually, I would have liked Adrian to be more romantic but if he was too romantic then he would have been like one of my old boyfriends who I dumped solely because they were far too cheesy and romantic. I guess the odd sincere compliment and the way he grabs my bum and boobs for ages saying how perfect they are is enough. Sounds quite gross the way I'm putting it but the way he does it is like he sees me as some kind of super model. I don't have a body anything like a super model, and he's told me he loves that. I love his body too, which is another reason I get jealous. I never used to date attractive boys, I don't like sharing them and I don't want anyone looking at them or trying to steal them. Now I'm with Adrian I have to get used to it because he's gorgeous.
I do love Adrian lots. And Gracie and Mum of course, I won't ever leave them out. I think I'll live with them forever!
No comments:
Post a Comment